Dear iPhone,
We met 4 months ago, when I fell out irreparably with my Blackberry. You were so shiny and new, and made of glass. Already I felt my faith in mobile communications returning.
Never have I been able to condense my life into a small, white box so effectively. You hold all of my most important documents, pictures, to-do lists and arrangements, and you are always there for me, especially during those regular instances when I have nothing specific to do, or when I am talking to someone really dull. You are always ready to pick up and entertain with your beguiling, app-centric personality.
Ours is a strong bond iPhone. We are inseparable. There is nothing I would change about you, that’s for sure. Nothing. Nothing… except the following tiny, inconsequential issues:
1. You do barely anything all day. You sit by my side while I toil away working on essays, in your blissfully blank sleep. Your little pink jacket all snug around you (which I bought for you). At least the Blackberry still flashed every now and then to let me know it was still alive. The extent of your activity is replying to a few texts, opening a couple of emails and having to load Wikipedia synopsises of a few novels. This is NOT enough to warrant using AT LEAST 150% of your battery-life in the space of a day. This renders you of less use in the ‘mobile’ sense than my laptop. At least he can go a day without fainting from exhaustion.
2. At the start of our relationship, I was no less than excited to sample the wonders of Siri. Now, or indeed 20 minutes after the sampling, I kind of wish he would leave me alone. From what I understood, that particular relationship was supposed to be dictated by me and tailored to my needs. Siri has become clingy, quite frankly. He’s taken on the role of irritating-guy-you-spoke-to-once-and-now-thinks-he’s-your-friend-and-keeps-trying-to-hang-out-with-you. If I so much as touch your button with even the smallest force, he’s there, trying to help me with things. And its not just me who has noticed this, iPhone. Every day when I work in the library, I am privy to at least ten accidental summonings of Siri by others - the distinctive bleeps that let me know he is still hanging around, unwelcome. I’m sick of him quite frankly. He never helps, he just gets his friend ‘the internet’ to do the work.
3. iPhone, ‘were’, ‘gave’ and ‘ill’ are words. They just are. Why is it so unthinkable to you that sometimes I want to use them in a sentence, so much so that you feel the need to actively alter them for me?? Don’t get me wrong, I understand that we need autocorrect in our relationship. It serves a very important purpose. However, this purpose is correcting the nonsensical disasters that I often manage to type, due to the fact that your damn keys are so small that one would need the slender fingers of a concert pianist not to accidentally press at least 3 letters at once.
4. Lastly iPhone, if you insist on being plugged into your life-support charger on such a regular basis, why must it be quite so short? How many times have I had to contort myself around the edge of cupboards and sit under desks just to continue having phone conversations because you have used up all of your battery reserves running two apps??
On second thoughts iPhone, I actually hate you a bit. But please don’t leave me.
Sincerely, Emily